Over my lifetime, I have been a “nose in the book” academic and a tireless volunteer. I live to help others, be they people, plant or pet. However, I really was quite wishy washy when it came to religion. Oh, I studied and I figured a great many things out, but I didn’t feel. I studied, but I couldn’t relate. I was at His door, pressing the doorbell but always running away when He would answer.
After a terrible encounter with a rare type of personality. I was left broken of heart, and spirit; I was a terrified, anxiety filled soul. Doctors said that there is no pill to cure victimization. I was not mentally ill according to all of the tests, and sadly, other than offer me ideas on getting off the offenders radar, there was little else they could do.
It was terrible, painful and expensive. Being a victim of this encounter requires a special kind of Psychologist that insurance does not often cover. Being a victim required me to completely detach from the life that I had established, to begin anew in the hopes of being “safe”. Being a victim of this kind of personality, meant everyone I loved was equally at risk simply by being in my presence. Being well educated meant that I had calculated these risks, to the degree that the variable of death, seemed to be the only reasonable solution to ensuring the safety of my loved ones from this destructive person.
Somehow God didn’t let me get too deep into depression. After I sought professional help, He connected me with a newly formed church, where I enrolled in classes. (I am ever the academic – free classes are difficult to refuse.) I learned about commitment, to not just be committed to my family, or to my education but to also be sure to commit to God.
**My reasons for searching out a Church, was because I was working on establishing a new positive support system. I didn’t anticipate liking or connecting as quickly as I did. My Pastor also believes in peace and unconditional positive regard. **
This meant to have a successful relationship with God, I needed to set time aside for Him every day. Just like, I would set aside time for my loved ones. (Date night!) The day I began doing my devotionals, I had read a few different ones, and then prayed over it. In my prayer, I broke down crying about how hopeless and alone, I feel. I said “God, I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. I went to everyone from the police, to the FBI; we hired a lawyer and it feels like no one is listening.”
Now, I realize that I have bragged about being an academic and I probably sound like a putz. My specialty is understanding and connecting information, being able to break it down into layman’s terms. However, I admit that I am not someone who has a Bible rolodex stored in their brain. So when I prayed, and felt the answer of “Psalms 13:4” – I, well, I made an odd face, rolled my eyes and googled it.
Psalms 13:4 – And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.
I cried and I rejoiced after reading it, because at that moment I realized He IS listening. He knows my pain. I rang His doorbell and this time, when He answered, I leaped through the doorway into His arms.
Now, it doesn’t mean that my troubles have ended, that my panic attacks will suddenly end or even that I am going to be safe forever from the person (No, sorry. You can’t smack me on the forehead and yell “you are healed!”).
This experience, to me, means that God was listening to me and He does care. That I have the choice to live in fear or move forward with hope. I’m on the path of healing, and I have all of my bases covered. I am also praying to be on the path of forgiveness because I believe in peace.
Heavenly Father, I ask that You help me to overcome my pain. I am grateful for Your love and support. Guide me on the path of peace, the path that Your Son walked. Forgive me for my anger, and please help me to redirect it into something positive to help others. Help me to forget this pain, so that I can move on and forgive. Thank You for being there and for showing me that You are there. I am unworthy Lord, and I Love You. Thank You. Amen.